


Crossroads

by lonelysector23



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Pining, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 07:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10804452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelysector23/pseuds/lonelysector23
Summary: Lily and Cullen run into each other unexpectedly.





	Crossroads

It was past midnight when Lily decided to leave her quarters for a quick trip to the library, hoping to find something interesting to read before bed. Reading had become a habit of hers – it helped her doze off, kept her mind distracted from the pressing issues the Inquisition was currently dealing with. She had spent most of the day working on reports, only stopping for a few moments to step outside her balcony doors for a breath of fresh air or to eat the supper the servants had brought up. Her pace was quick as she made her way towards the door to the main hall and stopped short, deciding to take a small peek before stepping out.

Lily was relieved when she saw the main hall was mostly empty. She saw Varric at his usual spot in front of the fireplace, going through a stack of parchment in front of him. The door made a slight squeaking noise as she pushed it open and she shut it gently, not wanting the noise to echo down the empty hall. As her footsteps grew nearer, Varric looked up from the parchment he was currently writing on and smiled. “Pebbles! What brings you here at this hour?”

Lily couldn’t help but smile at the nickname – it stuck ever since Varric noticed her small rock collection while camping in the Hinterlands. Hespotted her wandering around camp, collecting different kinds of stones during their scouting trips. She would store them in a small leather pouch, wrapped in leaves to keep them safe until she could store them properly in a small chest in her quarters. It was a hobby she really enjoyed – she liked looking at the different shades of colors, how the light would shine through the cracks in certain stones, giving them a special glow.

“I was just on my way to the library. I need to find something new to read,” she replied, looking down at the stack of papers. “Working on your next masterpiece?”

Varric scoffed and glanced down at the stack of parchment. “Hardly. It’s a sequel to the worst book I’ve written so far. I’m still not sure if I’m going to finish it.” He looked at her hesitantly. “You know, you’ve been reading so much over the last few months, I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve gone through most of the books up there. Curly has quite the collection in his office. He can probably recommend a few books.”

Lily felt her stomach drop slightly. Why was he telling her this? Was she really that transparent? She was being so careful around Cullen, not wanting to give anyone any clue about her feelings.

Leave it to Varric to figure it out.

Hopefully it was just a friendly suggestion and not an implication of anything more.

She laughed slightly, trying to sound casual. “I haven’t read _that_ much. Besides, I would rather not bother the commander with unimportant matters.”

Varric gave her a look she couldn’t quite interpret and nodded as he stretched his arms over his head. “Well, I’m gonna call it a night. See ya tomorrow, Pebbles.”

Lily was thankful he didn’t press on with the subject. “Goodnight, Varric. And just so you know, I‘d love to read your book when you finish it,” she said, grinning as she opened the door to the rotunda. She heard Varric’s chuckle as she shut the door and walked quietly through the small hallway, being careful to not disturb Solas. She hesitated in the doorway as she glanced at the door that led to Cullen’s office when a caw from Leliana’s ravens overhead made her jump slightly.

Her conversation with Varric had left her a little uneasy. If he suspected her feelings for the commander, did that mean other people did as well?

Lily let out a slow breath as she tried to calm herself down and made her way towards the staircase leading up to the library. From what she could tell, the room was mostly quiet and empty. Dorian must have already retired for the night. She walked slowly, taking her time looking through the bookshelves, skipping over the volumes she had already read or didn’t really interest her. Before she knew it she was searching through the last few bookcases, looking through a section about geology which caught her attention immediately. She had begun to read a few pages of the first book she picked out when she heard quiet voices from upstairs. It sounded like Leliana and… _oh no_. She heard footsteps coming down from the rookery and briefly considered jumping over the railing and into Solas’s rotunda when she heard his voice.

“Inquisitor?”

There stood Cullen, a surprised and somewhat curious expression on his face, holding a small stack of reports in his hand.

_Damn it, Varric._

Lily stood frozen on the spot, the open book in her hands forgotten as she stared at him – the man who has been constantly on her mind for a while now… the man who never failed to make her heart pound in her chest whenever she saw him. He fidgeted with the papers he was holding and his hair was a little disheveled, the natural curls freeing themselves from their usual style. The dancing flames from the torches made his amber eyes so warm. She couldn’t help but notice he wasn’t wearing his armor – this was a rare sight, one that usually meant he was feeling a little more at ease. Her face felt warm as she noticed the shape of his torso and she cleared her throat slightly, giving him a polite nod. “Commander.”

He glanced down at the book she was holding and rubbed the back of his neck. “I apologize for interrupting. I was just speaking with Leliana about the remaining tasks in the Hinterlands.”

Lily frowned, noticing his slightly flustered demeanor. “Is something wrong?”

His eyes widened slightly and he quickly lowered his arm. “No! No, not at all. We were just going over a few reports for tomorrow’s meeting.”

Lily nodded, the fluttering in her stomach being replaced with worry. She wished Cullen wouldn’t work himself to the bone like this. She frequently found herself worrying about him, wondering if he was sleeping well and if he was eating his meals. Then again, she couldn’t exactly say anything considering she was the same way. “I see. Well, I was just about to leave anyway. I only came here to find something to read before bed.” She closed the book in her hands as she took a step back from the bookshelf.

“Inquisitor, I – uh, I hope this is not improper of me to ask, but has reading helped? With your rest?” his voice held a note of concern and hesitation. Lily’s trouble with sleep was something her advisors were aware of, which bothered her despite them having the right to know about it. There wasn’t much she could do to hide it from them, considering how tired she always looked and the difficulty she had concentrating during meetings. She made sure they knew she was doing what she could to remedy the situation – she didn’t want them to worry about something so minor compared to the responsibilities that weighed on each of their shoulders. Adding more stress was not something Lily wanted to do, especially since she knew Cullen had sleep troubles of his own.

“It… has helped. It keeps my mind off things. It is something I have been doing for a few months.” She looked up at him, wanting to ask him if he was getting the rest he needed as well but was unsure of how to approach the subject. “How have you been feeling?” she hoped she wasn’t prying.

Cullen smiled and looked down at his reports. “I have been feeling well. Better for a few months now, actually.”

Lily couldn’t help but smile at him, feeling relief wash over her. “I’m glad to hear that, commander.”

It was at that moment Lily realized she did something wrong. She noticed the way Cullen’s expression faltered – his calm expression turned into a slight frown, his cheeks a bit flushed.  Did she offend him with her question? _That’s what you get for overstepping your boundaries, idiot._ She shifted her weight, sensing the slight awkwardness between them and decided to leave before she made the situation worse. “I… I should get going. Goodnight.”

Lily stepped out of the alcove and began to leave when she heard Cullen murmur something. She felt nervous as she stopped walking and looked back at him. _He’s going to tell you to mind your own business._ He was looking at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck. The familiar weight of dread settled in her stomach. She must have made him uncomfortable with her nosiness. _Might as well get this over with._ “I’m sorry?”

Cullen looked up at her quickly, his eyes widening slightly as he lowered his arm. “I… I was just about to leave as well. May I escort you back to your quarters?”

Of all the things Lily was expecting, _this_ was not one of them. She blinked at him dumbly for a few seconds before she snapped out of her surprise. _Of course_ he would offer to accompany her back to her room – the halls were empty and dark at this hour, and she knew Cullen liked to take precautions.

Lily watched him as he began to walk towards her. Cullen’s steps were slow, almost hesitant and she found it difficult to breathe when he offered his arm. She must be dreaming. The moment her hand would touch his skin she would wake in her quarters, alone as usual. Her hand shook slightly as she brought it up and placed it in the crook of his elbow. He was so _warm_ – she could feel the heat radiating off him as she took a step closer. She could feel the raised edges of a few battle scars on his skin under her fingertips and she had to stop herself from running her fingers over them. The feel of his skin and the sensation of his rolled up sleeve rubbing lightly against her hand had her heart racing. _This is real._

Lily had to focus on keeping her footing while going down the steps. Her legs felt weak and she sent a prayer to the Maker, hoping she wouldn’t fall down the stairs while pulling Cullen down with her in the process. It was only when she reached the last step that she relaxed slightly. The rest of their walk consisted of small talk about the reports Cullen reviewed with Leliana and the book Lily had chosen in the library, which she was slightly surprised at. They had never held such a casual conversation before, only speaking about missions and reports whenever necessary. She knew that was mostly her fault.

They arrived at her door a few moments later. Lily looked down at her hand, nestled in the warmth of the crook of his elbow, and felt disappointment at having to remove it. Her hand felt cold as it dropped to her side and she already missed his warmth against her skin. She stepped back as she looked up at him and smiled slightly. “Thank you, commander.”

She was about to open the door to the hallway leading up to her quarters when she heard his voice again.

“Inquisitor – If I may, I… I would like for us to be on a first name basis. Seeing as we will be working alongside each other for some time, I feel it would be appropriate. If you would like to, that is.” He was rubbing the back of his neck again.

Lily didn’t know what to do. She would have been overjoyed at his words if it weren’t for the fact that she promised herself she would keep Cullen at a distance – she has suffered so much, lost everything she had ever loved and cared about. She didn’t want to risk feeling that same pain again. But this didn’t stop her from feeling another kind of pain, the pain she was feeling now at not allowing herself to have Cullen in her life, even as a potential friend.  

It was at this moment that she found herself at a crossroads – accept his small gesture of friendship and be happy to have him in her life as a friend, or decline and always keep him at a distance, a strict professional relationship that would keep him out of her life for good.

 She took a deep breath as she made her choice.

Just this once, she could be selfish.

Just this once, she would try to be happy.

_Just. This. Once._

She looked up at him. The moonlight shone through the stained glass windows, bathing him in different shades of color as he waited for her answer. His hair, his skin, his face – they glowed with the light and she wished the image she was seeing would be somehow locked in her memory for the rest of her days, as numbered as they may be.

She nodded slightly. “I’d like that.”

Cullen smiled at her and her eyes immediately went to his lips. “I will see you at tomorrow’s meeting, then. Goodnight, Lily.”

She could have sworn her legs turned to jelly the moment she heard her name leave his lips. She braced her hand on the doorknob. “Goodnight, Cullen. Sleep well.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, everyone <3


End file.
